I'm sitting up after I've promised myself twice that I really truly was going to bed right away. This, after knowing that tomorrow will be starting earlier than usual, end later than I want it to, and be filled with running around two towns, a military base, and Toddler-tickling. Because, you know, it's just so much fun to tickle little toddlers. Especially when they laugh, make lots of eye contact, and use their words to initiate even more of the playing.

With all this knowledge of tomorrow, why am I still awake? Sand Tart Cookies. It's my mom's recipe, I don't know where it originates or how long it's been around, but my mom has made these for me since I was a toddler myself and they're striking a hit with the next generation. I sit up tonight stuffing as many as I feel I can get away with into my tummy because tomorrow morning there will be no more left. Because every time I sit down with one of these in front of my daughter she cruises by and deftly plucks it from my hand.

She's definately mine. No baby-switching here. Big smile on my face as I think about that. The more I see this things of mine in her, the more I love her. I didn't think that was possible, to love her more than I already do. When I think back to the hard first years of her life, and how hard it still is sometimes, I am amazed at how far we have come. She's better at initiating contact with me. I'm better at reaching back out to her when my depression threatens to get the better of me.

Those commercials abotu how depression hurts? I've lived them. I can't stand to watch those commercials on tv these days because I know how close I skate to them, from time to time. Right now I skate again. This NICU thing. It's getting to me despite my positive spinning of things for the greater public. I try to seem hopeful, I try to talk up the side of how things should go and need to be. Believe me, that doesn't mean I ignore the reality of it.

Reality is what it is. All the hopefulness in the world is not going to change that. I just feel that if I admit defeat in my outloud voice at any point yet it will seal the deal. I don't want to give up just yet. So I'm taking things fifteen minutes at a time. Which brings to mind another post that I've been meaning to write. I'll let you know when that post lets me know what it needs to say.